Jaye and Christine's Big Special I Love You Party

Thanks to Alison Bechdel and The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For, for the above comic of Moe and her partner Sydney disucssing the whole queer marriage thing.

 So why would a couple of queer feminists who know their history and who are generally engaged in politics and deconstructing the system and the like want to enter into a state legislated recognition of our love? Excellent question. We'll do our best to answer it.

 The short answer is that we've been discussing/debating marriage for years. When we first started dating we couldn't legally get married, but we live in Canada (not California!) and so now we can. Christine saw it as a political statement to stay unmarried. Jaye saw it as a political act to get married, and do it on our own terms in our own way. Jaye won the debate.

 The long answer is more complicated.

Marriage has a problematic history. It’s a history that includes treating women as commodities, institutionalizing monogamy, prescribing normative heterosexual developmental time lines, prescribing normative gender roles and a binary gender/sex system, and worked to enforce the protection of property and wealth therefore protecting the power held by those with money and land. However deconstruction and redefinition of norms and traditions is ongoing. We believe it’s possible to take up the tradition of marriage in a non-traditional way, to “queer” marriage. That we can make it mean what we want it to mean, critiquing and deconstructing marriage and redefining it for ourselves. By getting married/having a big special I love you party we are not trying to be normal or seek the approval or validation of our relationship by our families or our country. We are not striving for heteronormative ideals of gender or relationship structure. We already define our relationship on our own terms and legal marriage doesn’t mean we have to change what we’ve established over the last seven years. We don’t view getting legally married as adding an additional layer of commitment to our relationship. We’re already committed to wishing the greatest happiness and growth for each other.  

Marriage is a political act. Personal life choices are not separate from current political climates. Personal actions are not neutral, they demonstrate one’s political views and values. One outcome of thousands of queer people getting married is that a clear message is sent to governments that queers exist and are entitled to their rights and that their existence cannot be denied. Marriage is not just an act in and of itself, it is one extension of the rights of individuals to choose whom they love and how they wish to enact or recognize their relationships. We don’t believe marriage is for everyone or that every committed queer couple should get married. What we do believe is that people should be allowed to love who they love and have their relationship recognized in a way that they feel is right for them. We’re not fans of the “separate but equal” argument where queers are told they are considered equal but are denied access to the institution of marriage and where their reality is full of inequalities. Marriage is an important right for queers to fight for as it provides additional legal protections that are not extended to common law couples, but we believe it is not an issue that takes priority over or negates other issues that queer or trans activists and organizations are fighting for.  

We believe it is also important to celebrate and not take our rights for granted. The queer visibility and rights we as a couple enjoy is based on a history of struggle and action by queer people. We are thankful for those who have participated in the movement for queer equality and who continue to do so today.  We wish to celebrate the fact that we live in a time, place and cultural community where we have access to the right to get married and be able to share that celebration of our love with our friends, families and communities.  We wish to celebrate that we have the ability to have this ceremony with the people we love and care for without fear of negative repercussions.  Because many queer people around the world or down the street for many reasons are not in a safe position to be out as queer, may not have the support of their families, cultures or communities for being queer, may not feel safe enough to seek out the relationships they desire, if in a relationship may need to hide it for fear of oppression or violence, or may not be able to publically celebrate their committed relationships.  So for us this celebration is in part a celebration of our freedom to live as who we are while recognizing that there is a lot of work still to be done for queer people to live their lives as they wish.

We’re still gonna be our same old radical queer feminist selves even though we’re entering into a legally binding contract. We are entering this institution with its history in mind, with clear intentions and open eyes. As you’ll see when you celebrate with us, no wedding tradition has been taken up without thought and discussion.