Obama's Speech on Father's Day 2008-06-16

Happy Father's Day to all those dads taking good care of their families! I just read a text of Barack Obama's father's day speech at the Apostolic Church of God in Chicago and loved it. I'm glad he was bold enough to hit the nail on the head during a presidential season when he should be 'watching his words'. Common sense and not political correctness, tells us that present/involved dads play a great role in shaping a child's life. Its amazing to see our son respond to my husband's voice. He knows there's a dad in the house who loves him and won't let him get away with acting a fool. I feel incredibly blessed to be watching the boy he is becoming as a result of a loving, playful, firm, present dad. Obama is right - dads are key to breaking the cycle of poverty, broken families and demanding the best from their children.

My husband, my big brother Joe and my uncles are all great dads who shaped my view of men and taught me there are some good responsible men in the world. So kudo's to great dads out there taking care of business! My father decided not to be a part of our family and we grew up with my single mom in Nairobi. My greatest blessings included my uncles who stepped in as male authority figures and models. Their involvement in our lives exemplified the family ties often present in African families. They were heavily involved during my wedding negotiations with my husband's family. In Kamba tradition (my tribe, my hubby's is Luo) there are several negotiation meetings to determine if the man deserves to marry their girl/daughter. My uncles definitely put my husband through the wringer, he thought long and hard about the promises he made to them that he would take care of me. I'll write about that in the near future. Back to great dad's .....

The National Fatherhood Initiative has some great resources on for men committed to being present dads. The Father's Forum online is another great site I came across with good tips for first time fathers written by men. I learned early that my husband was more likely to listen to advice that was 'guyspeak'. The African American Healthy Marriage Initiative has some great information on building strong marriages & families in the black community. Another great resource is the Christian parenting website of Focus on the Family. In conclusion, be a present and involved dad - your kids will thank you for the rest of their lives. As Obama said "I resolved many years ago that it was my obligation to break the cycle — that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father to my girls," Sasha and Malia are two blessed little girls to have a dad committed to being there for them. (more...)

Juggling Marriage, Career & Toddlers 2008-06-30

I am so thrilled to be done with graduate school! The one person I owe the greatest debt of gratitude is my husband. He has supported me every inch of the way including juggling our schedules to make sure our toddler son was taken care of. As most parents will share, daycare costs are astronomical - my husband and I opted to shuttle our son between us and for that I am eternally grateful. I had a healthy dose of being a stay at home mom in the daytime with grad school at night. When my mental health/marriage & family therapy internship came about- we had to reconfigure schedules again. We probably have a good definition of flexibility in roles and life transitions :)

I went back to graduate school when our son was 2.5 months old because I had to - long story. Since I am a die hard believer in nursing, that presented some issues for my poor hubby including panic when the baby finished all his bottled milk :) He became an expert diaper changer, his way of playing with the baby was rougher than I - yet our son loved it! The greatest lesson I learned was that, I was not an expert in caring for my son and therefore my husband needed to find his own way without my constant criticism. We are different and our son thrived because of that difference. He is a healthy, extremely verbal, active and funny 2.8 year old boy. He started 2 days of preschool 3 weeks ago right in the middle of my final class projects and loved it! My story is not unique by any means, there are other women who can share about supportive husbands who helped them achieve their dream. I'm just glad to be able to write about it and give my hubby public props.

Were there times of tension and conflict over all my roles as a wife, mother, grad student, mental health intern? Yes! We had verbal disagreements, ignored taps on the shoulder in the middle of the night, silent treatment mostly from me and then we figured we'd better smarten up. By the second year of grad school in 2007 - I began wondering how other young couples were coping with juggling marriage, careers and babies. This is the reason why my website http://www.earlyfamilyyears.org/ was born. I was determined to help young couples make it during their early years of marriage when life goes insane with shifting roles. I talked to stable married friends and older couples who had faced similar circumstances and also searched the web and a couple of good books. The main advice was having an attitude of "stick-to-itiveness".

Our story is not unique, lots of couples deal with worse trying times. There's no perfect way to deal with juggling marriage, careers, babies and life changes - keeping your communication line open and choosing to stay together through thick and thin works. The secret seems to lie in having a die-hard committment to stick together and make it together. My point today was to give my husband public props for being the coolest level headed, secure hubby ever! (more...)

Honeymoon Expectations 2008-11-11

The best part of planning a wedding is planning the honeymoon. Wedding planning is stressful; some couples fantasize of dropping vendors, family and friends and eloping to a honeymoon suite miles away from home. This is why I love the discussions I have with engaged couples during my honeymoon 101 class sessions.

What Makes A Great Honeymoon Experience?

As a couple, you need to discuss what you expect from your honeymoon as far as your relationship is concerned. If you already have concerns about your partner’s red flag issues, a honeymoon will not solve your problem. You need to tackle those issues preferably through premarital counseling before the wedding. The key is having realistic expectations and not expecting your spouse to transform during your honeymoon.

What Does Premarital Counseling Have To Do With Honeymoon Expectations?

Most couples would do not place premarital counseling and honeymoon sex in the same sentence. Yet in reality, couples that attend a marriage preparation class are more likely to enjoy their honeymoon and their first year of marriage. A study listed in the September 2006 Journal of Family Psychology, shows couples that attend premarital education classes increase in their first year marital satisfaction and lower their divorce chances by 31%! Premarital counseling enables you to discuss realistic marriage expectations including honeymoon sex.

What’s The Big Deal About Honeymoon Sex Expectations?

The truth of the matter is first time you have sex after your wedding, will be your first time as a married couple. You want it to be a pleasant and special experience. Some couples have sex on the wedding night while others wait for the honeymoon due to exhaustion. You need to communicate with each other – you will recall your first married sex experience for the rest of your life. Make it special by outlining your dreams and expectations. Do you prefer sight-seeing excursions, lounging by the pool/beach or spending time in your suite making love?

What About Wedding Drama And Other Issues?

One of my favorite websites on this issue is The First Dance - they have incredible information on dealing with wedding stress and I actually offer their class to engaged couples here in South Florida. Chances are something didn’t quite go as planned during the wedding – it happened to me. You need to make a conscious choice not to rehash it to your spouse. Don’t let your family, friends or wedding vendors ruin your long awaited honeymoon. You can handle whatever went wrong when you get back. Spend your honeymoon focused on your spouse and your new life together – you will have weeks and months to talk about wedding drama. Choose to enjoy your honeymoon and write a short journal your expectations for your first year of marriage. Written dreams materialize faster than fantasized thoughts. (more...)

Happy New 2009! 2009-02-01

Its been awhile since I wrote the last blog - we've been rather busy. I had my graduation ceremony on December 14th after completing the graduate program back in June. We also had several gigs with our Positively Africa band and rehearsals are in full swing for the studio CD recording. I enjoyed my passion of working with couples over the holidays doing premarital education. I never cease to be amazed at how the program affects a couple's relationship by improving their communication and conflict resolution skills.


The next chapter of my personal life is about to unfold in a couple of weeks when our second son is born. I thank God my pregnancy has been drama free - it of course includes the occasional "any time" sickness and regular aches and pains. I will be posting a few items on how having siblings affects the couple's relationship. My husband has been truly patient and forbearing as usual - God bless him! This time I battled prenatal blues that I didn't experience with my first son and so that was a bit of a challenge for us. The interesting thing about my hormonal moods is that I take it out on others outside the home, I'm always nicer to my husband and just clam up with folks outside our house. I do try to warn him when I'm out of it and that way he's aware incase I am grouchy.

This year we'll be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary and our 13th year together since we started dating back in 1996. Our older son is enjoying preschool and is an extremely self-assured 3 year old! Its makes me proud and sad at the same time to see him losing some of his babish ways. He is going through a phase of proclaiming his love for us and I wish I could capture that in a time capsule for when he turns older and doesn't want to say the words out loud :) I enjoy watching him play with my husband - his favorite game is tag, he gets to run around the house chasing daddy. He listens and talks to the baby in my womb, he's always asking if I'm doing okay. He's been telling total strangers he's getting a baby brother in February, so maybe that eases my anxiety about sibling rivalry. I'll still take him to the hospitals sibling class to help him adjust.


I wanted to post something since I might be busier in 3 weeks adjusting to baby #2 while pursuing our other personal and professional ventures. I am also busy updating the website and hope to publish the new one in a couple of weeks. There are tons of new and interesting relationship tidbits and resources that I'd like to add. Wish you all a great February and a memorable Valentine's day loving yourself first. (more...)

Millenials Relationships Influenced by the Obamas 2009-02-18

I just read this story on Newsweek on how millenials are influenced by President & Mrs. Obama's marriage. It's no secret that I'm an Obama fan but I've tried to stay off the bandwagon on posting stories featuring them. However, marriage education is my cup of tea and this story has some great insights for couples in their 20's otherwise now called millenial relationships.

To be fair - I do believe former President Bush (43) and Laura have a great marriage too. However, the Obama's present a generational shift in how we Gen X'rs and millenials view marriage relationships. Andrew Romano, the Newsweek article author notes the younger generation is much more cautious towards marriage and are marrying later but also want to avoid the divorce options they saw their parents take.

My plug - that's why I so strongly believe in relationship education during dating, engagement and marriage. The programs I use help couples identify areas they are currently struggling with and others they might struggle with in their first year of marriage - it really is a pre-emptive strike against nasty surprises. I strongly encourage couples to participate in any sort of relationship education program easily available online, in churches and often offered by marriage educators and therapists. Okay, off my soap box:)

Great points made in the article: President Obama is not afraid to show being vulnerable towards his wife in public, they share easy banter and flirtious behavior with each other. I watched several interviews they did together and I kept rewinding because they don't censor their attraction to each other - a rarity in public officials. An observable characteristic of our generation is authenticity and I believe that's what the Newsweek article was trying to say about our view of the Obama marriage relationship. It does not feel fake or forced, they interract in language that we identify with and it doesn't always feature the endless adoring gaze. Nothing wrong with the gaze but we like seeing realness and occasional flushes of emotion and other expressions.

He noted a sense of equality or egalitarianism in the marriage - I believe most current marriages are that but I beg for caution. I often tell engaged couples, their relationships will never be 50/50 - that's a misnoma. Some days its 80/20, 40/60 or 0/100 - you don't walk out, you work and wait it out. My version of equality in marriage is not necessarily having similar roles but having equal input and say in decision making. I believe in sharing of responsibilities which is what most Gen Xers and millenials have embraced. My husband often does non-traditional African male stuff like laundry and washing dishes, I've taken the car for oil changes when he was working and I'll take the trash out without feeling slighted. I just realized we celebrated our 13th year of a Valentines day since we first met in the 90's! Flexibility works wonders too - expectations should not be set in stone especially if they turn out to erroneous.

I do believe and research has shown that couples marrying at or after age 25 have stronger chances of avoiding divorce due to maturity, independence, professional growth and financial ability. I don't encourage girls to leave their father's house to run to a husband's house, living alone for awhile is priceless! Learning individual responsibilities & independence helps each partner become a productive member in the future marriage. The strongest research shows couples who attend relationship education classes before their marriage report the highest rates of marital satisfaction in their early years of marriage. So read the article and feel free to share your comments with me.

Alright - I'm going back to actively waiting for labor, I'm due with our second son in 2 days. Thanks for reading this post, have a great week. (more...)