Saturday evening I officiated Shana and Arash's Bahai-Jewish wedding at Villa Amor in beautiful Sayulita, Mexico. Since Shana and Arash are both of Persian descent, I blessed them with the Priestly Blessing in Farsi, which was a first for me. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:
Almost every religion has one version or another of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others, as you would want done to you.” What we sometimes forget is that often that rule has been understood and is unfortunately by many people still understood to kind of have a little asterisk next to it. The asterisk says, “Do unto others, as you would want done to you, except for fill in the blank,” or “Do unto other, as you would want done to you, but only if they are part of our group/tribe/religion etc.” In this sense the Bahai faith is instructive. An important Bahai scripture addresses this very issue:
Should a person of whatever faith or nation, of whatever color, appearance, character or condition, be disposed to associate with you, ye should show forth kindness and treat him as a brother… (This) hath ever been and will continue to be true. It is not permissible to contend with anyone, nor is it acceptable… to ill-treat or oppress any soul. The fundamental purpose animating the faith… is to safeguard the interests and promote the unity of the human race, and to foster the spirit of love and fellowship amongst men. Suffer it not to become a source of dissension and discord, of hate and enmity.
The task of all people in the modern era is indeed to understand that there is no room for exclusions, no place for ifs, buts or maybes in the realm of the Golden Rule. Through such a universal practice of the Golden Rule, and only when practiced in such a way, do we ourselves become better people.
This is how Shana and Arash have personally lived their lives. They have never let anything stand in the way of their practice of the Golden Rule. They did not let the fact that they come from different faiths stand between them. Through their relationship, they have each indeed become better people. Through their relationship, and their acceptance of each other’s differences, they have, in fact, become more connected to their respective heritages.
Shana and Arash, may we all learn from your example. May we all consistently, and without hesitation practice the Golden Rule in the way you do. May the day that all religions hope for, arrive in your lifetimes, when through such practice, the world be at peace.
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Sunday night I officiated my first wedding this year (125th overall!) right "next door" in McKinney, Texas. Here are the words I shared with this lovely couple, Rena and Jeff, and their guests:
When I was talking to Rena and Jeff about their thoughts, their experiences and their dreams as individuals and as a couple, it made me think about a little anecdote told by John Lennon: "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life."
That short little story says so much. So many of us forget that what is most important are not the possessions we have, the titles we boast, or the trappings and accoutrements we hold. As Rena and Jeff tell us in words and action, these things really cannot give your life meaning. Only true happiness can.
How does one achieve such true happiness? Well, as a much older Lennon once sang, "All you need is love;" true happiness lies in loving and being loved. In Rena's words, "My love has grown for Jeff more than I thought was possible, and it continues to blossom. I can tell he genuinely loves me for who I am... He makes me laugh and find joy in mundane activities... I giggle to myself sometimes because I think about how content and giddy he makes me feel."
When we find this type of mutual love, it helps us not only in reaching happiness, but in wanting to spread love and happiness. Indeed, Jeff writes about Rena, that she has an affinity for spreading love, and about the affect her love for him and for others has had on him. "She is the most giving person that I know, spending her time giving back. Giving... makes her happiest and she is so warm and sweet to everyone. She makes me want to be a better person and give of myself to others like she does."
Rena and Jeff, as you well know, life will have its challenges. Marriage will throw you a few curve balls here and there. Much like a car, our very existence needs some realignment from time to time. Still, keep mutual love, love for others, your own happiness and the happiness of others central to who you are and what you do. If you do that, I have no doubt that your bond will not only be unbreakable, but even strengthen with time.
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We started this year with a wedding on New Year's, and fittingly ended it on Christmas Day. This was the first interfaith wedding I officiated, where all food was catered strictly kosher. It was held at Selina's parents' home in Colleyville, Texas. Selina’s family members are Isma’ilis. While it is impossible to truly reduce a religious tradition to a few words, the Isma’ilis emphasize social justice, pluralism, and human reason within the framework of the mystical tradition of Islam. Elliot's family are Orthodox Jews (hence the kosher meal). The beautiful ceremony, preceded by the lighting of Chanukah candles, wove together elements from both their traditions. Here are the remarks I shared with them and their guests:
How do you make your dreams come true? Is that not what this day is all about? I believe that this successful young couple may provide some insight into how we can make our dreams come true with three aspects of their story.
Selina and Elliot both grew up in families that treasure learning. It is not surprising therefore that they are first and foremost passionate learners. Learning new things is something that they each relish. They each, in fact, talk about how much they have learned from each other, and how this learning has bettered them as individuals and as a couple. It is this willingness, nay hunger to learn that has made them so successful, that has allowed them to thrive, and that has enabled them to fulfill their dreams.
Now learning is not enough. It is, after all, in a sense, just a tool. One must be passionate about the truth, as learning's guide, its lighthouse, if you will, for learning to truly matter. The truth is not always convenient, nor is it always pretty. That said, dreams cannot come true, if one avoids it. Selina and Elliot constantly strive for truth, and do not flinch from it, wherever it may lead them.
There is however one more critical component, empathy, which Selina and Elliot have in spades. You can scarcely imagine two more empathetic individuals. They truly put themselves into others’ shoes. They truly ask what others’ needs are before theirs’. This is why they have done a triathlon for charity. This is why Selina encouraged Elliot to pursue coaching kids. This is why this is such a giving couple. They understand that fulfilling one's dreams lies more in the thou, than in the I; more in thinking about others, than in thinking about ourselves.
Selina and Elliot, thank you for this important lesson. May we all heed your example, and may your dreams and ours all come true.
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With guests from Australia, France, Germany, Italy, Russia, Thailand and the U.S. present, Nad and Alex's wedding was easily one of the most cosmopolitan I had ever officiated. With a fairly traditional inclusive Jewish ceremony, bookended by Thai customs, it was definitely one of the most intercultural. Throw in the fact that I was upstaged by an elephant, and you have the backdrop for a great story!
While one might think that the coupling of a Russian Jew and a Thai Buddhist might be a challenge, this bride and groom showed that it need not be so. This may just be because the bride, Nad (short for Nadusa), and the groom, Alex, who live in Australia, are true citizens of the world. Nad was born in Thailand, but grew up mainly in Australia and Europe, due to her father's work for Royal Thai Airways. She was schooled in an international school in Paris, and is fluent in (standard American accented) English, French, German and Thai. Alex was born in Russia, and he grew up there and (from age 15) in the U.S. He trained as a radiologist at Harvard, and practices a specific type of medicine that embodies the global village we live in. If you ever have an x-ray done in the middle of the night, you may wonder where on earth they find a radiologist to read it. Well, on the bottom part of the earth, that is where! It may, in fact, be Alex, a "nighthawk" radiologist, who by virtue of being in a very different time zone, will, during what is day for him, get a report back to your stateside doctor. Nad also (naturally) works for an international corporation.
The couple reflects a cosmopolitan life not only in their upbringing, their professional lives and their personal day to day lives, but also in their philosophy of living. They are both very proud of their cultural heritages, but in terms of actual religious beliefs are much more humanistic in their leanings. They wanted their ceremony to reflect this, and their idea of how it would was to have a fairly traditional, while inclusive, Jewish ceremony, with Thai customs before and after it. For the location, they chose Koh Samui, a small picturesque island in the southern part of Thailand.
Their exciting beachside ceremony began with the sound of the beating of a gong and drums and men we could not yet see, shouting in Thai, "Here we come, we are here," as they drew closer. The first thing we then saw was four ornately and traditionally dressed young Thai women, swaying slowly as they processed. We then saw the men we had heard before, followed by the "guest of honor" - a baby elephant! The elephant was decorated with ornate jewelry and was dancing too. They brought in the groom, and sat him next to the bride. One of the men then set up a xylophone, and the four women danced to its music an elaborate synchronized dance in front of the bride and groom. They ended by spreading before them a bed of rose petals in perfect synchronization.
I then officiated the Jewish portion of the ceremony under a lovely chuppah (Jewish wedding canopy) on the beach. They exchanged heartfelt vows and rings, and shared a cup of wine. They signed an attractive ketubah (ceremonial Jewish marriage contract) written in Hebrew, English and Thai. (Nad's mom, a professional translator, helped with the translation.) I then blessed them with the Priestly Blessing, which is the most ancient copy of scripture archeologists have found in Israel. I explained how our forefathers, those who gave us the Torah, imagined my mythic ancestor, the first high priest, Aaron, brother of Moses, blessing the Children of Israel with these very words. I love reciting this blessing in a third language (aside from Hebrew and English) when appropriate. In fact, I have blessed couples in Spanish (I do live in Tejas, after all), French, Arabic and Bulgarian. This time I used four languages, as I blessed Nad and Alex with the words of my great ancestor and theirs in Hebrew, English, Russian and Thai.
After the Jewish portion of the ceremony, we observed more Thai customs. We all got to feed the baby elephant. This "baby" ate whole clusters of bananas and watermelon quarters. The elephant also danced some more while playing the harmonica. (Seriously.) In Thai culture the elephant is the symbol of the king, and therefore in a broader sense is used to symbolize the nation and its happiness. Nad and Alex then planted a small "love tree" together, and raised a "marriage flag" on a tall staff. The final Thai custom was most interesting. Guests were invited to light small paper-covered lanterns. Once lit, by the virtue of the hot air inside, these rose far into the air, till they looked like far away stars. Each guest was encouraged to make a wish upon these stars for the good fortune of the bride and groom.
During my personal remarks, I talked about what a wonderful lesson the bride and groom taught us, in bringing us all together on that magical island. They showed us that people from different countries, cultures and religions can come together, enjoy each other's company and cultures, and make this seem effortless. Hopefully, I said, the whole world will learn Nad and Alex's lesson too. And, if they need an elephant to help make this happen, consider it done...
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When someone asks me to officiate their wedding, I first ask the person to tell me about him or herself, and his or her partner. Second, I ask the person to tell me about their vision for their wedding. Third, I ask why it is important to them that a rabbi officiate their wedding. I get many different answers to this last question. Many times the Jewish partner will tell me that there is no way it could be different for them; it just feels natural. This was the answer that Renee gave me, right after she told me that technically she was not really Jewish since she never converted! She definitely piqued my curiosity. I had to hear more!
Last week I officiated Renee and Brian’s wedding at a very special location, the Jewish wing of the historic Main Post Chapel at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas. This building was dedicated in 1909 by then President Howard Taft. It has plaques commemorating chaplains, officers, and servicemen and women of the recent and not so recent past. You really feel a sense of the past of our armed forces in the building. Renee and Brian, veteran and current service member respectively, felt just right in this hallowed building, as they are a very special couple. Here are the words I shared with them and their guests:
Once you hear Renee’s story in detail and Renee and Brian’s story together, it all makes sense, and has a deeper lesson imbedded in it too. Renee was attracted to the Jewish scene in her youth, and felt very comfortable and supported there. She felt so welcome, that when she joined the army she put down her religion as Jewish. Once again, she felt welcome and supported by fellow Jewish soldiers. Unfortunately, she suffered an injury early on, and had to do a fitness test to move to a different unit. She was very fearful that she would fail the test, or even reinjure herself. Then the Jewish chaplain showed up unannounced, took the test with her, and cheered her on the whole way, till she passed. Obviously, this event made its mark on Renee, and deepened her sense of connection to the Jewish People. This is what brought Renee and Brian to attending their local synagogue today together. They both feel very much at home there. So, of course, it was going to be a rabbi, who would marry them!
In their story Renee and Brian highlight an aspect that is tremendously important for every faith community. Before we think about theology, before we talk about religious practice, before we even mention worship, we must bring comfort. Our most important function as faith communities is to make people comfortable, to bring comfort, to support others. The cool thing about Renee and Brian, is that this is the way they both live their lives. You may not hear them say it, because these are two very modest people. However, if we were able to talk to that chaplain, who ran with her, and her fellow Jewish soldiers, you just know that they would say that Renee is one of the most supportive people they knew. If you would ask Brian’s airmen, and for that matter, if you could ask his canine colleagues over the last 15 years, you just know they would say that this is a guy, who just puts people and animals at ease, and makes them feel comfortable. This is a guy, who will have your back.
Renee and Brian, we are blessed as a community to have you as part of it. We encourage you, as individuals and as a couple to continue growing, to continue setting a great example, and to continue to provide aid, comfort and support to each other and to those around you.
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