Hello everyone!!! My name is Kelly Graham. I am 32 years old and I have an Eating Disorder. I have been in recovery for almost 3 years. It has been a very long and difficult road. A road that is still winding with dips and turns everywhere. I am developed the tools to make it day to day. I feel wonderful for the first time in my life.
I wish that every person out there with an eating disorder could step into my shoes for just one day. To realize that there really is hope. That a new and better life is possible. i will be the first to say that recovery is hard, it sucks, everyone will struggle everyday, but there is a way to learn to live and be happy and "clean".
I am a VERY opinionated person. I do not hold things back and I tell things how they are. So a lot of the way that I believe would probably be looked down on by some "specialists", but how can you be a specialist if you have not battled this disease your whole life? So here is my beliefs...you will take this disease to your grave, there is no such thing as being "cured" and it is the HARDEST thing that you will have have to deal with. After all you need food to live, but its the food thats killing you...so what do you do?
I am sure everyone is wondering how did she get into recovery after so long. I could write a book about my experiences (which I will at some point). But I try not look so much into the past. I will say this. I woke up one day and I knew that if I did not do something then this disease would beat me! I did it all on my own (which I do not recommend). Everyday was and still is a struggle. I still have my bad days and I am sure that I always will.
The module of treatment that worked for me is a holistic approach comprised of exercise therapy, nutrition therapy, and talk therapy and also medication therapy.
I am now happy and healthy. I have a lot of support from those around me. I have a great career as a personal trainer and nutritionist. I look at myself in the mirror and think that it seems so long ago that I was 110lbs and 5"10..now I am a super buff and muscular girl that looks like an athlete, and I am proud of what I see.
I am in school and working towards my PhD in Clinical Psychology. I want to change the way that eating disorders are treated. I know that there is hope and I hope that I can be the one to put that hope in as many people as possible.
During this blog I will be conducting research, doing case studies, and collecting as much data and info as possible. The difference is, I want real personal data. I want the world (or at least the psychology world) to truley understand what someone feels like when they have an ED. I want those "specialist" to feel the pain and agony that we have all gone thru. I am creating a curriculum for an Eating Disorder class as well.
So tell me your stories and try to release some of your pain. I have learned that writing is a way to open up without having to be vulnerable.
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Part of the damage that an eating disorder does is take away the most natural and intimate thing...our sexuality and sensuality...it makes us feel less of a woman..makes us feel powerless and weak...
I am here to tell you...FUCK THAT!!!! We are women..we are STRONG...NOTHING should ever take that away from us...ED has control of us...well at some point we have to tell ED "kiss my ass" ...we have to take back control...even though in my opinion, as people with EDs..we will NEVER have total control, but we have to take back the part of us that has been stolen..
We are strong women, we are beautiful, we have a gift from god...its called sensuality...we are soft but aggressive...we are delicate like flowers, but we strike like tigers, we are strong but we are the weakest women there are...we are women that have a gift but dont know it yet..we are women living and fighting and battling...and hopefully one day baning together like our mothers did to protest..we are protesting for womens rights...but its our right to take back our soals and our minds from ED. One day we will all be able to reject him
We are strong women..that should be the first thing that you tell yourself in the morning. A strong woman works out every day to keep her body in shape, but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape. A strong woman isn't afraid of anything, but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear. A strong woman won't let anyone get the best of he, but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone. A strong woman makes mistakes and avoids the same in the future, but a woman of strength realizes life's mistakes can also be God's blessing and capitalizes on them. A strong woman walks sure footedly, but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls. A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face...but a woman of strength wears grace. A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.
Are you ready for the journey? Are you ready to protest against what is taking away your soal and your life? I think you are, and this is the first step...you are a woman of strength, and you are ready for any journey that life throws at you, are you ready to walk hasnd in hand in the journey that is ED?
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All of us who are suffers of ED probably have always wondered...will I find my place in life? Am I going to be stuck in this giant revolving door that is life with ED.
Will I always feel so terribly alone? Is ED going to be my best friend forever, or can I break ties with the thing, this entity that is breaking my soal? Will I be stuck my whole life with this best friend from hell, will I ever have a best friend that is a real friend, someone that I can actually lean on in a time of need, a friend that is not trying to kill me.
When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle tender hand. The friend that can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not-curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness...makes it clear that whatever happens in the external world, being present to each other is what really matters.
If those reading this feel as I have most of my life, you feel that you will never find your place. How can you when you are spending all your energy worrying and obsessing about ED. You wake up one day and you are 30 years old and you are still trying to find yourself and your place in life.
I am here to tell you that we all have a place in life and it is not with ED. You have to reach deep into your soal in into yourself to break free. In order to find your place in life you have to show ED that his place is not in your life. Life is a journey and thru this journey we find ourselves and our place. the sad and unfortunate thing is, when we have ED in our life that journey is all about ED. When you are able to find your place in life it is a feeling like no other. Its a feeling that you never thought was possible. When you find yourself and your place in life you are starting a new journey.
We are all put here for something, I have a feeling that we were not put here to be someone that was beat by an eating disorder. However starting on the journey to recover will help you find what you are here for. All of our lives have meaning, it may not seem like it because ED tries to suck all of that meaning out of our lives. Don't let him take away your meaning.
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I am sure that their hearts break...they brought us into this world with all the excitement and promise that could ever be imagined. Their little girls were so sweet and innocent and pure. Then ED got his hands on us. At this very point is when they lost us, but probably did not know that quite yet.
I believe that the story is the same with every family. Girl develops eating disorder, family especially mother wonders what they did wrong, mothers start blaming themselves and bigger wedge is driven between mother and daughter, a wedge that is put there by ED.
I know that there are mothers out there that feel that they would give their lives and their souls for just one day of having their "old" daughter back. During the battle with an eating disorder we rebel against the ones that love us, we purposely drive our families away, especially out mothers. Is this an unconscious or conscious choice? Who really knows, or maybe it is different in every situation.
Everyday that ED is killing us, ED is killing our mothers just as much. I know that my mother fought so that I could have the rights that I have as a woman. So that I could be free to make whatever choices in life that I wanted. Unfortunately for a long time I made the choice to out ED in front of everything, like I know so many others have done. This was not the choice that my mom fought for. My mom and many others out there burned their bras, fought for equal rights, marched for Roe vs Wade, and had to throw their selves on the "line" so that we could be strong independent women. My mom raised me to not depend on anyone but myself, to make a mark in the world, to make a difference. I told myself that I was independent, when in fact I was not. I was 100% dependant on ED, and that must have devastated my mother.
When we are in the midst of our eating disorders we don't think about anything, except for what has to do with ED. Its very sad and unfortunate. So take a minute and sit back and dont think about yourself, but think about what ED is doing to your mother. This woman brought you into this world, she wants to love you and protect you. So when you think that there is no hope think about your mother. Think about how this affecting her. You are slowly taking away the life that she gave you. Reach your hand out to her and let her walk the path of recovery with you.
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I have had to think tonight about that very question...Is my life worth it? Do I contribute to the world? Yes it is no matter what. I have only tohught this for a small amount of time. I know that my life is worth it, but what about those other poor soals that do not know that.
When ED is running your life, you have no control, much less think that your life is actually of any importance. But it is, someone put you here for a purpose and you need to find it!
Where did your ED ome from...who taught you how to even process those thoughts in your head? Do you even remember? What if it was your own mother? What if it was the one that was suppossed to protect you keep you safe was the one that in the end taught you how to kill yourself? Sounds crude but in the end that one day that you decided to accept ED into your life was the day that you proclaimed that your life was not worth it.
Break thru the chains and tell Ed that your life is worth it. Let Ed know that you are powerless over its control. But stand up and tell ED that you are going to let it know that you are worth it and you will knock Ed down as many tomes as possible to see self worth in the mirror every day. And if it was your own flesh and blood that took your control away from you, well take your life back...keep walking...and tell yourself that you are worth it!!!
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