Ask any man what was the most stressful day of his life, and a good many of them will tell you it was their wedding day. Consider what faced them: family pressures, silk and chiffon, emotional roller coasters before, during and after the Big Day, not to mention publicly declaring one’s love in front of friends and relatives!
Well, it doesn’t have to be that way. Many men tell me they enjoyed the process more than they expected, but only when they understood their role and got involved. Here are some suggestions that will help ease the stress and make the wedding day more meaningful for any groom.
A happy groom (photo: Lois Heckman)
Get involved with the ceremony preparation: Work together with your bride to select readings, music and rituals to include. If you’ve spent time making the ceremony personally meaningful, you’ll be less likely to feel like an outsider at your own wedding.
Rely on your groomsmen: Select people who will pitch in when necessary and who have been with you during other stressful occasions, so that you know that they will help you keep your cool.
Take pressure off of the bride: The bride may think she is a superwoman, planning every last detail, but she will certainly appreciate your interest and your help. Ask her to give you tasks and perform them well, like arranging for activities for out-of-town guests, booking hotels and cars, coordinating airport runs, and giving directions to the officiant, photographer and other wedding professionals.
Know what’s going on: Because the bride may be in hiding on the day of the wedding, people will be relying on you for information or to make last-minute decisions. Take the time in advance to familiarize yourself with the preparations so that you can fulfill this role with ease.
Don’t worry about the “perfect wedding:” There’s no such thing. Most guests won’t even notice “mistakes,” and even if they do, often such gaffes add charm, humor, and authenticity to the event.
Be present in the moment: Look at your bride during the vows. Listen carefully to the ceremony. Reflect on the meaning of the symbols. Remember this moment in time.
If you’ve come to the end of the column and you’re not the groom, just go ahead and print or email it to him. Grooms, if you’ve read this – congratulations and have a great time at your wedding!
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I hope this never happens to you, but I’ve received quite a few calls this year from couples who have had their officiant cancel on them. Whatever the reason, and I’m sure there are some good ones, this is really terrible. Imagine everything set for your big day and suddenly your minister is no longer available.
To minimize the chance of this happening, treat your officiant no differently than any other vendor you are hiring.
You should have a contract agreement, and he or she should clearly communicate with you before the ceremony – as frequently as needed. Your minister, rabbi, priest, other type of officiant should know who you are, and respect your beliefs. At the very, very minimum he or she should have some sense of who you are and certainly know how to pronounce your names. I have heard a lot of stories about a minister getting the bride or groom’s name wrong. Yikes!
I'm happy to say I've never missed a ceremony (photo: Garth Woods)
It is my opinion that your officiant is responsible for finding a suitable replacement if they are unable to perform the ceremony. Ask them about this when you are interviewing or hiring them.
And in an extreme-case scenario, have a friend or family member to stand in. Explain to your guests you will get the legal end tied up by a judge or someone else at the earliest possible date, but you still intend to exchange your vows and rings and make some kind of statement of your commitment before your family and friends. After all, this is a big part of the meaning of a wedding ceremony. Otherwise you would have simply eloped!
However, you cannot be pronounced as husband and wife, unless the person is legal to sign your license. And you are not married until that paper is signed by someone legal to sign it and filed in the courthouse. But there is nothing to prevent you from having a ceremony expressing your love and commitment.
I hope this never happens to you, but if it does, perhaps this article will help you be better prepared.
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Outdoor wedding ceremonies are very popular, and for good reason. There is nothing more delightful than being in the beauty of nature to celebrate your marriage. However, weather issues are obviously of the upmost importance when planning your outdoor ceremony. If it’s raining then there is no question that the ceremony will move indoors, it’s the threat of rain that is worse.
Here are some tips for successful outdoor wedding planning:
Rain plan – have a good one.
Note the umbrellas for shade in the bucket. Photo by David Coulter
Umbrellas or blankets in baskets – this is a favorite trick of mine. Remind your guests on the invitation to dress appropriately for the season. Have shawls for your bridesmaids.
Tents – Although its unfortunate to have to pay for something you may not use, if budget permits, reserve a tent in advance. You just can’t get a tent at the last minute.
Check where the sun and shade will be at the time of day and time of year.
Wind – Flower arrangements can blow over with a gust of wind. I love the iron stake type hangers that hold flower baskets, they really resist the wind. The baskets can be removed after the ceremony and brought into the reception.
Can everyone hear? Sound outdoors dissipates. For a wedding over about 50 or so guests, your officiant should have the use of a sound system.
Water and beverage station – for summer weddings have something available for your guests while they wait in the heat.
And finally, a couple of small points – I do not recommend using an aisle runner outdoors, especially in grass or an uneven surface. And women, watch those high heels – they can be very troublesome on grass as well!
I hope these ideas help you as you plan an outdoor wedding. And finally, your attitude will go a long way in helping you and everyone enjoy your outdoor wedding. If you simply come to terms with the most basic fact of life – that we cannot control the weather – and go with the flow, you’ll be fine. In the end, you will still be married, and that’s something to celebrate!
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Today one of my favorite things: children in weddings.
A beautiful family sand ceremony!
The children may be your children, having a family first and getting married second is not that uncommon today. And when mommy and daddy are getting married – it is wonderful, and important, to include the child or children, beyond the usual flower girl or ring bearer.
And for the fifty percent of men and women who walk down the aisle more then once, there may be children from previous marriages. In this situation the most important message you can send is that whether a child is yours or mine, he or she is now ours. Involvement is the key to making a child feel part of this new union and for providing an honest, positive message.
Consider having them join in a family ritual, such as a family unity candle, a family sand ceremony, or an exchange of symbols or gifts such as jewelry, just like mom and dad exchanging rings.
You can exchange vows or an “I do” with them, offering your promise to continue to love and support them. Ask your officiant to help you do this.
What you don’t want is the children sitting silently feeling left out – like guests at their own party. Don’t underestimate the importance of your wedding for your children. Please remember to take time to include them in some way. It will help create a happier, healthy, new family life, or strengthen the one you have.
They gave the daughter a lovely little necklace. A moment she will always remember.
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As modern couples strive to make their weddings more personal, there are many ways, big and small, to express oneself. Continuing on last week’s theme, I have a few more suggestions. For your consideration ….
One of my wonderful couples assembles their Wine Box.
The unique program booklet – make your wedding program reflect your style, with pictures, drawings and lots of information, rather than an outline of the ceremony. Get creative, think out of the box and draw outside the lines!
Fun cake toppers. Need I say more?
This is just so adorable.
Or – ditch the cake completely. Go with the cupcakes or ice cream for dessert – if you like it better than cake – then serve it!
And of course my specialty: ritual, ritual, ritual.
Create a unique ritual for your ceremony or reception. Pictured here is the ‘Wine Box’ ritual, which has many variations. You don’t have to put wine in a box, think of it as a ‘time capsule.’ The idea is to put something, such as a bottle of wine and two glasses, or something else important for you, along with letters the bride and groom write to each other before their wedding day. The box is to be opened on an anniversary or if your marriage hits a rough patch, open the box, read the letters, and remember why you got married.
I don’t have a lot of rules – but I hope you will remember that a unity candle ritual just won’t work outdoors. And if the candles can’t be lit, or they blow out, you haven’t exactly achieved the symbolism you’re looking for. If you have your heart set on this and are having an outdoor wedding – consider lighting the candles at the reception.
There are so many rituals, of course, evocative of faith traditions and culture, or ideas chosen or created because they speak to your style, values and sensibility.
I’m sure I’ll be writing about this more!
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