On my way to a ceremony 2007-08-14

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Is your robe religious? 2007-08-14

When I perform a wedding, I wear a robe and a stole. I have a cream colored robe with lace on the sleeves which I wear most often, and a black one that I use on request. I prefer the cream colored one actually.

I have been thinking of investing in other colors, but they cost a pretty penny, so that may happen somewhere down the line.

The stole is the long piece that goes around the back of my neck and hangs down in the front on both sides. Most of the stoles I wear are not religious. I prefer one that is multi-colored and looks like a tapestry. If a couple prefers a religious stole, I have a simple white one with a gold cross. It's an officiant's accessory.

Some couples ask if the robe itself has a religious meaning. The answer is no. Judges often wear robes to officiate secular weddings. Graduates wear robes as a sign of achievement and dignity.
The robe and stole signify that the wearer holds a position of some kind of authority....in the case of an officiant, the authority to legally marry two people. In my eyes, wearing a robe is a sign of respect for you and your guests. It adds just that touch of importance and a bit of tradition to even the most unique wedding without being stuffy or formal.

Although I would perform a wedding without wearing a robe if asked, I've only ever had one couple request that I do so. Their wedding was "black-tie/elegant" and they were both non-religious. If your officiant's appearance matters to you, it's important that you discuss it with him or her during your first conversation so that there are no surprises on your wedding day. (more...)

There are just some things.... 2007-08-15

that I WON'T do. I know I shouldn't start something off like this with such a negative statement such as what I WON'T do, but I have to set the record straight. There are just SOME things I simply can't do for a wedding couple.

1. Dress up as a FAIRY GODMOTHER~or anything similarly embarrassing for a grown woman! (Glynda the "Good Witch" from"The Wizard of Oz" tops the list!)
2. Perform WICCAN RITUALS. (I am a Christian and I just don't believe in it at all. I won't compromise on this.)
3. Marry DRUNK folks! (It's just WRONG! If you can't hold it together for the most important day of your life, my services will be for naught. You won't remember it at all and likely be heading your separate ways shortly thereafter. Besides, it's ILLEGAL!)
4. Marry anyone UNDERAGE. (Check the laws of your state and abide by them. If you can't understand the necessity of these rules, then you're too young or stupid to be getting married!)
5. Marriage COUNSELING. (A marriage ceremony is the solemnization of a legal contract. I have been doing this for more than 10 years now and I find that most adults that seek me out have it in mind what they are capable of within the realms of their adult relationship. There is no need for ME to tell anyone how to relate to another. You're a grown up for goodness sake. I am qualified to advise on my own life and that of my children. If you need counseling, you don't need to be married.)
6. Break ANY LAWS with regard to the ceremony site, etc. (It will ruin your day and it's not worth risking my license.)

That's it for now. I'll add to this as life necessitates and as weddings occur. It never ceases to amaze me the things I am asked to do as an officiant. It seems that folks think that since I'm being paid, that I MUST abide by their demands. I am a very accommodating officiant. I work hard to please my couples. But I rarely compromise on my beliefs.
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WRITING YOUR VOWS…OR NOT? 2007-08-18

When I became an officiant just about 10 years ago, I thought everyone would write their own vows. The truth is, less than 2% of the couples I’ve worked with wanted to write their own vows, and half of them wound up changing their minds.

I think everybody thinks that everybody else writes their own vows. They don’t. I’m telling you this in case you’ve been considering it, but are really busy, don’t have the time, aren’t a good poet (or even writer), don’t know what to say, or just plain have no interest in doing so, but feel a little guilty.

Don’t worry about it. There are millions of people out there who have said something you’d like to say, and if you can’t find them, your officiant should. But, if you’re thinking of giving this writing exercise a try, here are a few tips to make you sound eloquent and sincere as you stand before your beloved and all your guests:

Before you begin to write, eliminate the word “vow” and substitute the word “promise.” Vows are promises, but the word “vow” is intimidating. Now, it’s already a little easier, isn’t it…to say to your fiancé “I promise to love you forever? I will cry with you in joy and in sorrow, feel your emotions, and breathe every breath you take. I will let you watch all the Yankees games. I promise never to ask you to take me to the ballet. I will, work beside you to achieve what you wish, and be happy for all that you accomplish ….” You get the idea…

Next, don’t be afraid to seek out inspiration. If you don’t have any romantic books lying around, get on the internet and read, read, read! Find someone who expresses themselves the way you do and improvise. It doesn’t make it any less your vow just because someone else wrote it down first. If there is no author noted, don't worry about your English teacher accusing you of plagiarism.

Don’t try to be too fancy. Use plain old English. Make your promises clear and honest in the language you use every day.

Speak from the heart. You know you’re speaking from the heart if you tear up as you’re writing your promises.

Don’t go on forever. A few quality vows are better than a laundry list of mediocre statements.

Include something you’ve already told your beloved in your vows. For example, if you’ve said to him on occasion, “I don’t know how I’d live without you,” throw that in there. The familiarity will feel comfortable and real to him.

Don’t try to remember them without backup. Give them to the officiant to hold so she can follow along with you and prompt you if you forget.

Don’t read them at the ceremony. They’ll come out stilted and you won’t be able to look into your beloved’s eyes. Ask the officiant to quietly prompt you.

Don’t over-analyze and over-edit. Write from your soul; you want to sound like yourself, not a stranger.

If you're having a problem thinking of promises, ask yourself what you would like your life-long love to say to you. Chances are, they'd make pretty good vows.

For a little added excitement, don’t share them with anyone before the big day, most of all your spouse-to-be.

Don’t worry about it. NOBODY is going to pick on your vows. Everyone will be touched by their sincerity and realness, and your willingness to express yourself while the world is watching.

And if you don’t want to write them, don’t. I'll still sign your license and you’ll still be married at the end of the ceremony.

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FEES, FEES, FEES 2007-08-20

WHY ARE OFFICIANTS SO EXPENSIVE?

Why does an officiant costs hundreds of dollars? I would have asked myself that same question until I became one. Many people wonder how it can cost so much to “stand up there for 20 minutes.” Well, now I can tell you from experience, that’s the shortest, easiest, most fun part.

Most officiants these days are not ministers of churches with salaries and/or housing. They are ministers for the sole purpose of officiating weddings and, perhaps, baby blessings and memorial services. They are one of your most important vendors.

You know that when you pay $4 for a latte at the local coffee shop, the drink’s ingredients cost about 22 cents. You understand that you’re paying for rent, lights, insurance, salaries, equipment, advertising, profit, and more.

Now, an officiant’s expenses aren’t all as readily obvious, I admit. But they include purchasing robes at several hundred dollars each, stoles at more than one hundred dollars each, advertising, a website, a dedicated phone, business cards, numerous reference books, association dues, certification that can cost thousands of dollars, and ongoing education costs. Other hard expenses include things like dry cleaning, car, gas, and computer.

Then there’s the time factor. I personally spend a lot of time with couples on the phone and email who ultimately don’t book. For the weddings I DO book, I spend about an hour on the phone with each couple, uaually at least an hour or more in person, several hours researching, composing/preparing the ceremony--then making revisions, about two hours preparing for the ceremony (Map-Questing directions, printing and binding the ceremony, ironing my robe, and rehearsing), a half an hour on creating the wedding certificate, an average of 3 hours travel and time and at the ceremony because I always get there early, and another half an hour completing, copying, and mailing the marriage license.

But in the end, that’s not really all you’re paying for. Just as you can hire lawyers and surgeons for $100 or $1000 an hour, you can find officiants at various fees too. Like doctors and lawyers, officiants’ fees are based on their experience and ability to do the job well.

Couples pay for the perfect ceremony…the one that will touch their hearts, reflect who they are and make their guests feel welcome and included. For that to happen, they depend on an officiant’s organization and communication skills, ability to research and compose a beautiful ceremony, solid people skills, dependability, sound counsel, and ability to speak well in public.

(I won’t even start to compare the cost of the officiant with the price of the other elements in a wedding like flowers, food, venue, photographer, limos, makeup & hairdos, music and a hundred other details!)

No matter, to me it’s the greatest honor and the best job in the world, and I love every minute of it.

Think about it. You might spend a couple of hundred dollars more for the officiant you really like…the one that gives you a good vibe, the one you feel really comfortable with. Your wedding is perfect. You and your guests are moved by her personal words, written just for you. Everyone tells you it’s the most beautiful ceremony they ever heard. Your ceremony set the tone for the rest of the day.

But let’s say you don’t spend the money on the officiant you think is the best. After all the time, effort and expense you’ve put into making this day special, you’re taking the chance that the person you chose to marry you won’t call you back, can’t spell worth a lick, doesn’t know how to string two words together in a coherent sentence, gives you a canned ceremony, and just doesn’t do the job you deserve. Everyone walks away feeling cheated. Is it worth it?

Whatever you pay your officiant, you will likely get what you pay for, so interview several and choose wisely.

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